Old Defence Ministers Never Die...

My Google-Alert service has just informed me that former Defence Minister Paul Hellyer is calling on Parliament to hold hearings into the existence of extra-terrestrials.

It's a good thing I signed up for these things. Otherwise, I would have surely missed such a pressing piece of breaking news. Below is the opener to the news release.

OTTAWA, CANADA (PRWEB) November 24, 2005 -- A former Canadian Minister of Defence and Deputy Prime Minister under Pierre Trudeau has joined forces with three Non-governmental organizations to ask the Parliament of Canada to hold public hearings on Exopolitics -- relations with “ETs.”

By “ETs,” Mr. Hellyer and these organizations mean ethical, advanced extraterrestrial civilizations that may now be visiting Earth.

On September 25, 2005, in a startling speech at the University of Toronto that caught the attention of mainstream newspapers and magazines, Paul Hellyer, Canada’s Defence Minister from 1963-67 under Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Prime Minister Lester Pearson, publicly stated: "UFOs, are as real as the airplanes that fly over your head." Mr. Hellyer went on to say, "I'm so concerned about what the consequences might be of starting an intergalactic war, that I just think I had to say something."

Duly noted. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We'll make sure to validate your parking on the way out.

(Just wait 'til Norad tracks Santa again this year. It'll blow his mind.)

This One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

After digesting the alarming news from BC following the recent avian flu scare, I have had meandering thoughts on the issue.

If you eat chicken soup when you have human flu, what's the recipe for bird flu?

A friend of mine recently send me a list of symptoms of bird flu. They read as follows:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Not completely satisfied with that list, I sought a second and more serious opinion. From Men's Health Magazine, a source I thought to be deep in detail, offered this:

The symptoms of bird flu are:

1. Sore throat
2. CoughFever
3. Pneumonia
4. Respiratory distress
5. Respiratory failure
6. Life threatening complications

A little more general, perhaps. Symptom number six seems to be "all-encompassing", although one could argue that it just depends on whose windshield you crap on.

Punchline News 11-24-05

Here we go again with some of the wackier moments in news-gathering.

A Road By Any Other Name...

A Hollywood resident doesn't like the name of his street. He lives on Dicks. In fact a lot of people, men and women, live on Dicks. Some never want to move. The say they plan to stay on Dicks. Residents there even walk on Dicks for exercise. It's a nice neighborhood. They say they want their kids to grow up on Dicks.
I really don't understand his problem.

Karma Works In Mysterious Ways

Police in Florida accidentally got a little too close to a flasher with a taser. Hilarity ensued.

Heilige Scheiße. Es ist ein schlechter Tag

A guy in berlin drank way too many Beck's and pissed the bed and wound up setting fire to his apartment when his next beer-brained idea was to dry the sheets with a hair blower.... and leaving the apartment with the dryer still running. His next bodily bodily function was to crap his pants when he returned.

Welcome To Molson, Ontario

A town in texas changed it's name for free TV. Everything in life is for sale.

Boning Up For Exams

The popular story around the water cooler this week. It's about the 25 year old teacher who had sex with one of her students.

Teachers were never that good looking when I was in school. Especially Mr. Sutcliffe.

No Bird Flew Here

Catherine Zeta-Jones apparently hates turkeys. "I hate all the folds of pimpled flesh and the disgusting grey wrinkles around the legs." Hmm.. and,.. now... how old did you say Michael Douglas is?

Gee, Dubya. Lucky It Wudden Wunathem Revolvin Doors!

Say what you will about George Dubya, grace has never been his strong suit. While he's done his best to clean up his diction since the "subliminable" days of the GOP leadership promises to support "them thar military" all the way up to his plan to put "food on every family", the cliches about leopards changing spots and old dogs with new tricks stand as true as ever with Bush.

Tired of a reporter's questioning about him being "off his game", bush tersely ended the session and proceeded to the wrong exit. As they say in showbiz, hilarity ensued.

Making it an unflattering moment for Dubya wasn't the error in direction, it was the gooberish mugging that followed. It's the stuff that legacies are made of, I tell ya.

Check out the video here.