Punchline News 11-17-05

Following up on an earlier dose of wacky stories, it's easy to see that there's no shortage of 'em.

He Grabbed The Cash.. And Dim Sum

The same gunman robbed the same chinese restaurant twice in one day this week. The robber hit Greenville, South Carolina's First Wok restaurant at 11:30 on Monday then returned nine hours later. Usually, it just takes an hour before you're ready for more.


It's a Hell of a Car

Who knew Satan worked at the licensing bureau? A Wisconsin man, avowedly christian at that, is returning the randomly selected plate selected for his new red Oldsmobile. Transportation officials say motorists occasionally receive plates that are offensive to them. The plates can be returned for a small fee. A bonus grab for the government, eh? One thing is for sure. This is not "Your" father's Oldsmobile, it's "Our Father's".

Must Be Low On Dilithium Crystals

Star Trek's James Doohan's last voyage to the final frontier was delayed this week due to Falcon One's poor engine test. Next month's scheduled voyage will target a January launch, instead.
"Captain. We caunt due it. We doont hawv enoof powarrr!" (Roll your R's when you read it aloud. It's funnier, trust me. No, really.)

Something In The Punch

A bunch of boxing fans decided to stage a card of their own at a recent black-tie boxing dinner in a London hotel. The event was a launch for Mike Tyson's four date promotional tour of Britain. Also in attendance was British champ Frank Bruno but the melee didn't involve the notables. Instead, Tyson grabbed his plate full of ears and finished them up in his room.

Some Stories Don't Require Any Commentary

New Jersey's looking for a new marketing slogan. Don't look here for the punchline. All the good ones are in the story, itself.

Belinda's Jagged Pill Still Hard To Swallow

Today my wife took an extended lunch to attend the Women of Influence Luncheon at the Chateau Laurier where guest speaker Belinda Stronach pitched "Earning Influence". In the description on their website, Stronach was to talk about "how she makes tough decisions, sets priorities and tries to get things done."

Not one paragraph in and I've already hit a fork in the road. I'd could go in a number of directions from here, most of them unflattering toward Stronach, so perhaps I'll pull over and check my moral compass again.

My big question would be, was she earning influence or outright buying it when she two-stepped across the floor to tip the scales just enough to pull Paul Martin's fat out of the fire?

While I may be grateful for Stronach's part in engineering the Alliance/PC merger to repair the damage to our democratic fabric, it's questionable now just how much political will was she responsible for exciting and how much of the influence she wielded was simple financial clout, seeing as she substantially supported both parties, including Peter MacKay's PC Leadership bid - reportedly to the tune of $100,000. To me, that's not earning influence. That's waving it around in tens and twenties.

For Belinda Stronach to have any lasting influence in politics, crossing the floor as a fledgling MP was a big rookie mistake. Selling your vote is, again, not earning influence. It's whoring it. There, I said it. Now I feel dirty.
But, whatever her moral argument, be it that she A) didn't like the direction of the Conservative Party or that B) the Government had a workable budget (a: Very moderate policy for her out of Montreal and b: Not after Jack Layton got a hold of it) she would have kept her integrity intact by merely sitting as an independant. Instead, she chose the motherlode. Ironically (as you may choose to view it), she can forever enjoy the title of the Honourable Belinda Stronach.

And, while my wife had economic pie for dessert, Belinda served up a leftover (insert Ginger Rogers high-heel joke here) speech and I was catching up on shows that I had missed this week, including This Hour Has 22 Minutes. It featured Stronach regurgitating a pre-fed Viagra joke aimed at Stephen Harper. And, yes it was pre-fed. The placement required a contrived set-up and it was stiffly executed. See for yourself here and then ask yourself, "who choked on the pill?"

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Comedy is a complex file.